mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
