God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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