she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im holly from the hills drunk
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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