a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
