I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
