38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
