how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
