I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
