I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
