guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
