If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I believe in your delicious
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
