forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
