I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
