i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
