life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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