And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
