Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
