he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
