He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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