Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
