You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
