i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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