Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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