I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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