SEEEEXXX PLEASE
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
What a dumb baby whore.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
