I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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