Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
