do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Who died my cat blue again?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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