Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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