is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
