Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
