can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
