drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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