i always forget guys have bellybuttons
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
