So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
