So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
His hands were made for my vagina.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
