naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
