The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
