I puked a lego.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
