for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
