yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
