I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
