bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
