I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
