I'm so fucking centered right now
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
