my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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