oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
