Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
