i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
