i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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