Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
