Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Less talking, more tequila
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
