I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
