Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Found your dick twin last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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