you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
