I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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