I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
